Beyond It All

The title of my post actually means something this time. I'm beyond it all.

I'm beyond worrying.
I'm beyond asking.
I'm beyond questioning.
I'm beyond second-guessing.
I'm beyond. it. all.

Lately it seems that my favorite word is "crappy." Work is crappy. My attitude is crappy. My sleep is crappy. And my speech is even crappier. It's been a lot of treading water around these parts, and fighting against things that are so much larger than me, I feel like a minature version of David, against a much bigger version of Goliath.

I come home defeated because I feel as if I fought all day for things I treasured, or believed in, or was proud of, only to have them given freely to someone else on a platter. Work is difficult. I'm constantly on edge and constantly on fire. But the funny part is -- for what? What am I fighting for? It certainly isn't anything that important, and certainly isn't what I should be wasting my energy on. It's just work. And it's not work that is giving me anymore in return than I put in it.

It's been a struggle. But I'm starting to see the fire die down, and the breeze is blowing the ashes in a new direction. Jason and I have been praying for this for a while now and I see it changing. I see God moving in this. I see myself changing. I see my hope renewed that all of this is for a reason, and I'm not there in vain.

So I'll listen to that small voice who is saying "Be still. Stop fighting. Just let it be. I'm here." And breathe in a new day tomorrow, beyond it all.

‎"Do not be afraid. Stand firm ... The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still..." Exodus 14:13a, 14